she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.