we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.