This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
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kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.