I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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