maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
