ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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