at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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