I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
