i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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