you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
NoShamevember. You game?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
