I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
