Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize