My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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