i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
