We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
