Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
