Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
