R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
