Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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