I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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