Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
