In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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