I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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