Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
