While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
