Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
