i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
