listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
