I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
