i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
