my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and she was petting her beer can
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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