Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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