Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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