Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
