Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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