I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
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I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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