Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
