Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
