I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
