I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
