I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My penis needs a shock collar
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
