sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
