I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
