thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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