Pants 0. Shit 1.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity