I accidentally had phone sex last night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize