Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
