Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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