the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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