whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
