Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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