from now on my penis is your penis
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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