If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
