Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
