I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
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You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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