Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
